Hello, Flickers! Well I suppose we’re going to have to establish a premise for this entry. A children’s channel here in the UK went on a huge nostalgia kick ten days ago and broadcast two day’s schedules brimful with classic 1980s/90s programming. The cogs turn slowly here at NPF HQ, however, and your correspondent only realised yesterday that this event could be leveraged for slender comic pickings. So: children’s programming ‘reimagined’ to feature footballers and football-related people, phenomena and objects. You’re familiar with this kind of crappy filler so I won’t presume to insult your intelligence with further whimsical exposition.
1. Knightmare – Leon Knight describes all the derogatory misogynistic terms for women he knows, starting with the mildest
2. In The Night Garden, with Stan Collymore
3. Biker Groves – unemployed ex-Bounemouth supremo Paul Groves dons well-worn leathers and travels the north-east, fighting petty crime in suburban retail parks
4. Thundercats – top Black Cats John O’Shea and Michael Turner moonlight as thrill-seeking storm chasers
5. Powar Rangers – The Executive Director of Football Against Racism in Europe, Piara Powar, arrives at Ibrox to shake things up – with hilarious consequences
6. Mysterious Cities of Gold – something to do with West Ham’s David Gold. I’ve done no research
7. Round the Twist – Steve Round tries to stage a production of Lionel Bart’s Oliver Twist musical using Everton players. Leighton Baines is Oliver; David Moyes is Wild-Eyed London Vagrant #3
8. Finders Keepers – Neil Buchanan helps Manchester United raid the academies of small French clubs for promising youngsters in return for pitiful tribunal fees (not to be confused with Pedro Almodovar’s arthouse film Find Us Keepers, with Paolo Gazzaniga, Artur Boruc and The Other One)
9. I think this has gone a bit off-road, hasn’t it
10. Button Moon – Charlton Athletic custodian David Button shows his arse to a passing coachload of Japanese tourists
And, that’s it. Sorry for doing this, really.